What is done in secret…

Facebook has been down much of the morning. It has given me opportunity to laugh at myself a bit when I think about the nature of the little snapshots we allow others into our lives.

One one point early this morning, I might have posted something about how coffee tastes better the earlier you drink it. I would have left out the bit about the coercion necessary to get me out of bed early enough to enjoy that first cup with my husband. A couple hours later, maybe I would have painted a nostalgic picture of children curled up in front of a wood stove fire, eating autumny spice cake. Missing from that Norman Rockwell moment would have been the screams of my three year old, who was throwing a fit because I wanted her to eat at the table.

I could have posted about that moment when I had laundry going and bible stories read by nine, but would have probably left out the mess in the kitchen. I could have posted about all the things the kids learned today, but would have wisely left out the child who wandered around the house for an hour looking for a pen. I would never mention the one whose attitude reached heights only attainable by girls of a certain age and hormonal disposition. I certainly would have left out all fleeting thoughts I had of donating that child’s Christmas gifts to a worthy charity.

The truth is, at least for me, life is messy and hard. I am trying to diligently train my children, but sometimes their hearts are as wayward as mine. Some days we fight, we cry, we repent, we keep going. Some days we have warm fires and pumpkin candles and fun crafts. In the long run, it will be my faithfulness in the moments that don’t get posted on facebook that matters the most.

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On my Birthday…

me on my bithdayI started out the year with lofty goals in mind, I’m sure. Lose the weight. Write a book. At one point I was seriously working toward going back to school. There were an assortment of people who I was determined to fix.

Instead, I learned about REST…for his yoke is easy and his burden light. I had a baby right before my last birthday. I nursed a baby. I weaned a baby. I am dealing with the physical toll that takes.

The weight, still a work in progress, though I have lost 20 pounds since July. I still enjoyed deep dish pizza and hard cider and pumpkin ice cream last night. I smiled when the kids brought me a cheese danish for breakfast, though I will be very thankful for the more weight friendly birthday cake my sister in law is baking me.

I didn’t go back to school. I don’t mourn any lost potential. I have tried to stop worrying about “what if”. Regardless of the circumstances, the work of Christ for my life is what is right here, in front of me. The measure of my achievement is found in the hearts and minds of my children. My insurance for the future is found in my faith and in the relationships I have with others.

I am still writing. I have written, and have now discarded, a great deal of material. For now it is a part of a process, sometimes a healing process, for me. In another few months I should have a completed book. It probably won’t be something that anyone else ever reads. In the process, my inmost thoughts are brought into the light, suppositions examined, beliefs baptized. It is a good thing.

We got chickens and goats. Homeschooling has been full swing and consistent. We’ve loved each other through teething, potty training, teenage hormones, anxieties, and my attempts to find equilibrium in the mix. We’ve found a new church home.

I’ve learned that I can’t fix people, only support them. Love them. It is freeing to relinquish control.

On my birthday, I am thankful. I am blessed. I am learning and am becoming the person I was meant to be.

Happy Birthday Annie!

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My littlest is one today. An easygoing, happy baby. My earliest walker. My easiest delivery. One year ago today I moseyed into the hospital around 9am for a scheduled c-section. it would take place around 11 am. We were relaxed and happy. We spent the afternoon getting to know you. Happy birthday!
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