A few weeks away from my fortieth birthday and…
I am here.
Here being my quiet corner of the office typing while my family finishes supper. There are open books scattered over my desk. Here is the good land, where all my kids are old enough to wipe their own bums, adventure stories and National Geographics litter open surfaces, everyone wants to paint rainbow streaks in their hair, but no one is bringing home boyfriends. Here is letting go of perfectionism and growing comfortable as a human being, with no super human traits. Here is the place where I sin, repent, repeat, and give others permission to do the same. Where I am joyful, and angry, and sad, and sometimes oh so anxious. Here is a place of habits and routines, of counting calories and taking walks, of intentionally seeking mundane regularity. Here sometimes I see glimpses of heaven, but I still got 2 inches of mud on my shoes. Here is a wet basement and plumbers and salt for the water softener and a drain to unclog, pots and pans to wash,
In a present moment, almost. Seeing how much can I get done in the three hours before I send the kids to bed, pour myself a glass of wine, cuddle next to my dearest, and put on a favorite show (Being Erica is my current kryptonite, I’m halfway through season three and should finish right as Hulu starts airing the current season of This is Us).
These days pass quickly. Annie is reading, Gracie starts high school next year. We signed adoption paperwork for Belle. Emmy is in college. I am loving my classes. Waiting to see how a professor responds to a strong stance I took in my most recent paper. Devouring material in my first counseling class. At the rate I am going, it will take me another two years to finish my undergraduate degree, but I am in no rush. It’s another strand I braid into an already vibrant tapestry.
I stopped seeing how colorful it all was, once. I’d run out of dreams to dream and things to look forward to, and the dishes seemed like mountains and I got lost in the mazes of my mind.
I want to take classes related to Spiritual Direction or Pastoral Counseling. I want to always practice hospitality. I want to adopt again. When the children are grown, I’d like to take in adults who need care. But that is a someday I think about in the Here and the Now,with my hands in soapy water and feet tracking mud…